When to let our kids quit

Earlier this year I enrolled Daria and Dustin in Taekwondo. It's been a great experience and they've learned a lot. Surprisingly I've learned a lot too, but not about Taekwondo. I've learned some interesting parenting lessons, like it's not always easy to figure out where we end as a parent and where our kids begin, or how important it is to really be in tune with our children's needs or wants, and most importantly to follow those promptings we get in relation to our children.

Dustin was interested in taking martial arts. I knew it would give him a positive outlet for his energy and provide him with structure to build character, integrity, and self control while learning to set goals. Daria wanted to take gymnastics and I thought a summer program would be great. However, I felt a strong prompting that I should enrol her in Taekwondo instead. Daria was supportive of this and had no complaints. From day one she was positive, focused and intensely engaged. Quite frankly she is very good at it.

Then one day while playing with a friend I mentioned that we would need to leave for class in a few minutes. WHAT?!!! interrupt playing with friends to go to Taekwondo? and THAT is when the complaints began.

This caught me off guard. One moment she likes it, the next she doesn't. She would complain but get ready for class anyway. Once in class she was completely engaged in the lesson. For not liking Taekowndo it was surprising that she complained that Dustin was signed up for a year and she was only signed up for the summer (we extended it). During a goal setting class she made a goal to break a board with an axe kick. Dustin said "I thought you didn't like Taekwondo"..... slight pause from Daria as she checks to see if mom is listening "... uuhhmmmm, well I just like the kicks". Sometimes the complaints would cause the historical "how important it is to follow through with a task, give me one good reason why you want to quit, we've signed a contract" parent child discussion. Then one night as Daria was showing some friends of ours some things she learned in class. Our adult friend asked Daria if she liked Taekwondo. There was a lot of noise amid all the guests but I clued into the conversation and about that time saw Daria smile at her and then look at me from the corner of her eye hoping I was not listening. Realizing that I was listening she then answered "well..... sort of" as she tried to hold back the smile.

Because Daria continued to complain I began to wonder if this was one of those moments that I should allow her to quit. I wasn't about to have this sport make life miserable for Daria or our family. But things just didn't add up. Ken and I discussed it. I noticed several things. The complaints were not like real complaints, they were half heartily spoken. Each of us knows when our children are REALLY complaining about something and when they are just taking us for a ride. I noticed that when I responded to her complaints with validation instead of fighting about it, the complaints almost diminished. One night during class the Grand Master recognized Daria for her precise kicks and control of her body, I thought her head was going to swell so much that we wouldn't get her out the door. For now Ken and I came to the conclusion that Daria does enjoy Taekwondo but doesn't want to admit it because we are the ones who signed her up. For all of her complaints she asks to go to some of the special events, she volunteered herself to be in the parade, and begs me every day to buy her sparring gear now that they've earned their yellow belts, and didn't miss the opportunity to get her picture taken. Does that look like a girl who doesn't like Taekwondo??

So what did I learn? Well, beyond Taekwondo, I learned that I've all of the sudden entered the "I'm not going to like something because my mom does" stage. Regardless if it's clothes, books, music, food, hair, or Taekwondo, Daria does not want to admit that she might agree with me. This is ok, now that I've figured it out for today. I think it's normal. I've learned that we do need to listen to our children but we also need to find out what is motivating them towards or away from something. There will be times when as parents we take our kids out of something for their benefit and leave them in something for their benefit. Lastly, pay attention to those promptings. I may never know why I was prompted to put her in Taekwondo instead of gymnastics but I do know that when I follow the promptings I'm doing the right thing. Although Daria wont admit it, learning Taekwondo has benefited her, I can see it already.